bizi

it has been 9 and a half months since ray baby and i got together, and i still gaze dreamily at him while he drives and sings off-tune to the radio in an effort to make me smile.
^^

happiness is when u lets down ur guard and see the sparkle amidst the gloom.

and in order to facilitate me reading my old posts, i’m going to publish all those drafted entries. those that i wrote and didnt feel like publishing, or those that i have never published at all.

- zi -

moved.

password protected until i feel like blatantly whoring pictures with the boyfriend.

i kinda decided that i will still blog here, occasionally when i feel like it, just to mess up ppl’s inboxes with my numerous ‘zi has updated her friendster blog emails’.

and here’s one more goodie before i go.. ^^

- zi - off -

i’ve not looked forward to chinese new year for years, and this year was no exception.

last chinese new year was spent in apprehension and awkardness. apprehensive about how lcs’s family would perceive me, and awkward being left alone in a group of strangers.

this chinese new year have been boring at its best. i slept a grand total of 12 hours on the first day, and i would have continued sleeping if not for the backache and the constant irritating lion dance troupes downstairs. i could never tolerate it, not even when i had an ex boyfriend who was actively involved in these. yucks..

i would have burst out in tears of boredom and indignation at being left alone if not for the boyfriend’s constant messages since before i fell asleep.

after last year’s experience with lcs’s family, i feel wary about visiting with boyfriend this year. lcs has a wonderful family, and that reason sustained a bit of our relationship at its very worst. it sucks to have to go visiting with a new boyfriend every year, and this year, i shall not. cuz i’m adament about making this relationship work, which is why when i do get to go next year, its not a new boyfriend anymore.. ^^

and it is for this same reason that i’ve kept myself from blogging about him excessively and posting his picture anywhere on my blog or in friendster. (cant help showing off on msn though.. ^^) i’ve toyed with the idea of starting a blogspot blog for that reason, but if i did, it would have defeated the purpose. so the move has been postponed until when i feel sick of friendster (which i see its imminent arrival).

its almost 8 already. the day is half gone. tomoro will be a better one. the boyfriend’s constant messaging and constant ‘hinting’ at me going visiting with him has almost softened my resolution not to. afterall, i am damn bored. but i am still apprehensive la..

the situation has been such that i see him almost everyday, even on days when we didnt plan on meeting, like how we ended up meeting for dinner when he came to fetch honey and i after our manicure. speaking of which, mine still looks okie, even though i havent been please with it since the beginning. honey’s has cui-ed already.. -_-||

anyways, the point is, i really dun wanna stick to him like i am, and i dun wanna become dependent on him. i say that of every relationship, but i mean it extra this time since i’m so freaking adament about making this work. i’m going to put in as much, if not more, effort as i did in that relationship with lcs.

will be meeting up with yingsi, her fren xue ting (i think) and kenny for mahjong tomoro night.. hopefully i dun burst into laughter at the sight of kenny. grace and i shared a few primary school jokes, some of which (actually, all), involves him.. gracie dear also told me about this one-for-one promotion thingy at strip!, which fuelled my conviction to visit that place before my birthday. i am so going to go!! apparently, it makes orgasms easier to achieve.. (tts my actual intention really. then again, maybe i should wait a little while more, afterall, i’ve just changed boyfriends and all.. -_-||)

i feel bad about standing up on ky and cyn the other day.. will try asking them out again before the new year break (mid term break makes me depressed la cuz they ate into our chinese new year break) ends..

honey cant stop reminding me about the irritating mid term tests once school starts. i have 4 can? one on monday somemore.. -_-||

went to watch epic movie the other day with kes and zhiyong, boyfriend and his friend. the comments from kes are actually wayyy funnier than the movie was. will prolly be going clubbing with her on wednesday and ahfang too, if she’s back and she’s agreeable. for once, i actually would rather phuture than zouk. shall see how. honey says she wants to go too. hopefully she doesnt change her mind at last minute.

i cant make up my mind who else to ask along for my ‘genting birthday getaway’.. i still have time to decide anyways. ^^

oh.. i’m kinda worried about babe’s last post. the ‘50% mine, 50% urs, delete, new year’ post.. and she left just like that. but knowing babe, she’ll be feeling alright when she’s back la..

clubbing(?), bowling, pooling when u’re back!!

here’s babe, and 6 other ppl in the car on her way back to kampong..

mummy and didi got my uncle to come fetch them back.. and they only have 3 ppl in the car.. in fact mummy had so much space at the back that she brought along her smelly pillow and the big bolster.. -_-|| didi and i were trying to talk her out of it till the very end. to no avail of cuz..

mummy left me this, along with a huge box of kuey lapis, which i totally love, before she left.. it’s supposed to be mango pudding, from fei cui no less.. i’ll find out soon enough if it is..

she’ll completely love me when she comes back to find my room damn neat and nice.. table, book shelf, the tv table, and my wardrobe all nicely packed.. (wardrobe packed by the boyfriend.. ^^)

before..

after!!

my room has never been this neat.

am missing boyfriend, who misses me too, because he’s losing in ban luck and he blames me for not being there to bring him luck. supposedly.

- zi - off -

oh, honey say i never blog about her boyfriend. i think she wants me to let the world know she got daniel a cheapo specs case for valentines.. -_-||

how ironic is it that i’m blogging about my ex boyfriends in my first post after valentine’s. not that i didnt have a great time with the boyfriend. in fact, was telling babe that everyday is the same when u have a super cute boyfriend (actually, the exact words were, when ur boyfriend abit sot sot one).

其实爱对了人情人节每天都过

but then, since i have banned myself from blogging about my super cute boyfriend, you will unfortunately not get to read about how wonderfully sweet he was on valentine’s, and every other day too.

oh well, back to the ex-boyfriend topic. was clearing my room the other day

yes, i’m really just packing my room. i’m not migrating.. -_-|| (its still messy now, but obviously not as much as that..)

and i found the box of ex-boyfriends.. so.. in no particular order, (and bear with the yucky images. bizi no scanner. bo bian)

deliang, who calls himself dominic now.. he, who came to look for me that time while i was working.. i think kes and babe saw him.. (is it?) he was definitely much shuai-er back then..

zhiwen.. when he was not fat, and i was fat.. (we took this after we’ve broken up.)

weeping.. the one boyfriend i feel most indebted to.. i got together with him to ’spike’ this other boyfriend. and i broke up with him when i succeeded. i’m such a bitch.. no.. was.

randy. when i was at my stupidest. i knew he was cheating on me, in fact, i was the other woman, yet i stupidly followed his wishes like a blind rat.

david. the worst days of my life. seriously.

the one boyfriend who was younger than me. the one, among countless others, who gave me enough courage to jump from my sinking ship (david). the one i knew from the start that it would be short-lived. the one that most ppl told me to let go of.

jaysen, and part of my birthday present. this was when my hair was at it’s brightest, nicest and most splendid. -_-

see the hair.. wah lao.. sibeh lian-ish..

the teeny weeny itsy bitsy diamond ring that jaysen got me on my birthday..

limchiehsern.

the first and the last time i will ever do a picture book with anyone else.

its gonna be the last time, because bizi fucking swore to make this current relationship work. and if i were to make a picture book of us, i will probably need to open a gallery to exhibit them.

the end of limchiehsern. unceremoniously dumped into my ex boyfriend box.

weiming. i added these in.

i almost died laughing when i saw this among the ex boyfriends.. kenny! my first crush that spanned 2 years, who i introduced to mummy as the object of my interest back in primary school.

this is one of many ‘who is this ar?’ pictures in the box. could be one of the forgotten ex-es.. and looking at that pattern, most likely. bizi never admitted to secretly wanting to be an ah lian back in sec school, have i? and the fastest way to elevate to ah lian status is to get an ah beng boyfriend. -_-

there’s someone else i wanna blog about. there’s someone else i cannot fail to mention in my list of ex-boyfriends. wilfred. 1409. i lost the pictures, along with the memories. me in my moment of anguish, and in the one moment i’ll regret for the rest of my life, dumped the pictures. oh, i am completely disgusted that he told me that he is no longer able to keep in contact with my anymore because his girlfriend doesnt like it. that was 3 years ago. i bet they’re no longer together. humph!

to end off, since i cant blog about my boyfriend, i will blog about other ppl’s boyfriend.

a very calm on the outside, but bursting to tears in the inside babe, and first-time-buy-flower-for-girl-lian.. lolx.. and there she was complaining about how boring lian is when he’s actually waiting for her at home, with a bouquet of flowers..

so sweet!!

- zi - off -

no, i’m not moving house. i’m merely packing my room.. gawd, i have SO SO SO much rubbish!!

table is emptied.. books packed nicely into super big drawer..
(still can accomodate one more sem’s text.. ^^)

but i still have..

bags stuffed unsightlily into the corner

i am so dreading this.. i found an ant nest between my books the other day.. i am so freaking out..

and then i still have the huge wardrobe, and the chest of clothes..

I IS HEADACHE AR!! (anyone wanna volunteer helping me clear?)

- zi - off -

ps. tomoro, i will blog about my ex boyfriends.. (found the box of ex-es.. lolx)

somebody save me!!

the horror of horrors.. why would anyone wanna remix a chinese new year song and shuffle to it? (i think he’s shuffling.. i think.)

met honey for manicure today.. so that my nails will be nice nice for tomoro’s special event.. ^^

its really not all that nice afterall.. -_-||

am. dying. to. but. will. not. blog. about. my. wonderful. boyfriend.

one ex boyfriend says he was hurt by the vicious comments made by good friend and me on our respective blogs. if i lied, i apologise. but i maintain that i didnt. perhaps i did agree to keeping things to ourselves. perhaps i was wrong to have blurted out those things like that, when i said i wouldnt. but i’m not sorry. given the hurt, pain and confusion u dealt me, i’m glad i at least did some damage to ur reputation before i left.

i do have a legitimate reason to hate u. and i’m not half as nice as to tell u why. may things remain the way they are now. may we have nothing to do with each other ever.

i am not remorseful, nor am i guilty of the things i have said about u. i may have exaggerated, but truth be told, u deserved it, at least in my eyes, u did. if i could turn back time, i would still have done it. afterall, it has never been in my intention to be ur friend.

and by the way, despite those super depressed entries that i posted in the span of my relationship with smelly, and although his ignoring/neglecting me was a huge part of my depression then, i maintain that he is a great person and a wonderful friend.

too bad the same cannot be said about my other ex boyfriends. the world is an ugly place. (if u’re not dim witted, u will know by now that i am no angelic ex girlfriend. i admit to contributing to the ugliness of this world.)

oh, just because i change boyfriends faster than you change your underwear doesnt mean i am playing. just because one relationship didnt work out doesnt mean i should stop and dwell and cry and be sad about it. i mourned every lost love for as long as i deem necessary and its not in ur position to judge.

although the turnover is ridiculously, and insanely high, i maintain that my feelings were true to each and every while we lasted. i loved jiesheng, just as i loved weiming, just as i loved jaysen, and just as i am loving him now.. (boyfriend will be referred to as him as of now. no names, no pictures, minimal mention. the ban will be lifted come 26 may.)

i will make this relationship last. i fucking swear i will.

someone needs to help me with my blogspot template. i’m leaving friendster soon..

sibeh sad de

- zi - off -

*am definitely going to genting for my birthday. i swore last birthday i will go on this year with 2 pig tails and enter the casino openly..

i dun need, dun wan a lavish celebration.. all i wan, is the company of A FEW loved ones.. i may have loads of friends, but really, the ones who matter are the pathetic few.. (as of now, honey and ahfang have been asked - daniel and lian can come of cuz.. ^^ and oh, if i haven asked u, it doesnt mean i will not, i’m incredibly anal about asking in person. when i see u, i will ask..)

- zi - off -

the potential boyfriend..

- is tall.

- is decent looking. (ah fang says so, though i’d beg to differ. more like cute, really. ^^)

- is sweet enough to send me home from orchard when he stays in boon lay.

- can cook. seriously.

- will probably grow to love me alot. like super alot, alot. (can tell one leh..)

yes yes yes. turnover rate is kan high de, i know.. i dun even wanna blog about it, if not for the numerous friendster messages / smses(!!?!!) / msn messages that i received over the weekend from ppl professing to have been reading my blog and is interested to get to know me better, in light of the newly single status..

*yucks*

i dun need that, thank you very much. not that i mind getting to know more friends, of cuz. then again, *shrugs*

oh well, i will not post up pictures of the potential boyfriend soon. anonymity creates a sense of ownership, almost like the pictures belong to me us, and us alone. likewise, the sense of ownership leads to this sweet sweet ‘in a world of our own’ feeling.

if u are a close enough friend, u’ll learn about it, and get to see him soon enough..

i’m going to go bask in that saccharine 谈恋爱 feeling.. and then i still have my forum posting and the stats project to do after that. bizi is a busy girl afterall..

and oh, here’s for my own reference.. (and to irritate babe cuz she cannot upload pictures.. wahaha!!)

i know i posted it before.. just to reiterate how serious i am to pull up my cap this sem..

this is honey’s.. (i do one nicer can? blehs..)

and ah fang’s.. my friday 2 hour slack time is usually spent crashing babe and her jenny’s discussions.. haha.. ^^

- zi - off -

i am devastated. i dropped the first picture that smelly and i took.

the one where i told the whole world i looked fat and ugly in.. the one which i complained incessantly about.. the one which i pretended to hate, but which in fact i loved so much i used it as a bookmark. just so i can carry it with me at all times, just so i can look at it and smile at myself everytime i take out a book to read.

AND I DROPPED IT..

its bad enough that the shop closed late today. the solmart cash register couldnt day-end properly. and then i had to discover i dropped my favourite picture only when i reached the mrt station.. i exited the gantry, retraced my steps TWICE.. and spent more than half an hour (close to an hour actually) combing the super crowded basement level of cineleisure, walking to and fro the mrt station.. i failed to find it..

i was on the verge of tears i tell u.. and i ended up taking cab home. but thankfully the cab driver was nice enough to undercharge me (i think he could tell that tears were gathering in the corner of my eyes when he decided to charge me $6 for the $8 trip).. i’m on the brink of tears again, looking at smelly’s message..

hopefully i dropped it in the shop and xinyi manage to find it tomoro.. (and if she doesnt, i’ll kapo smelly’s.. but i’m still sad okie.. fucked up..)

i’m so sad now i cant think properly. i’m so sad now i cant remember wat i wanted to blog about. i’m so devastated by the lost that i dun feel the initial anger and annoyance at smelly for assuming that i knew he was planning to go shopping today when he didnt breathe a word about it, and then subsequently for going out with his friends and giving me that fucked up, nonchalent attitude on the phone..

fuck! i wish smelly was here to hug me now.. i so want my smelly now.. urgh!!

stupid me.. how could i have dropped it.. my vision is starting to get clouded by the tears, and messaging smelly makes me feel worse..

actually.. i think i look nice, considering that i’m devastated and all..

(no photoshop and i love the blurry feel of my lousy camera phone..)

i really ought to look more like i feel.. complete with tears and bi ti and all.. then smelly will xin tong and like love me more.. (as if he will.. hais..) but no, i’m not about to let myself be further devastated by the fact that i look bad.. blehs.. i miss my smelly, heaps.. (he just said he’ll give me his.. and it makes me feel better, although i’m still sad about it..)

*saddest face, biggest pout, sorriest look EVER*

- zi - off -

i was at smelly’s yesterday.. ^^

despite the fact that he was all skin and bones, and doesnt in the slightest fashion resemble a pillow, (not forgetting to mention of cuz, that he’s smelly,) bizi is still very happy lying on smelly’s uncomfortable back..

yes i was lying on his pathetically small back..

*breaks out in tears*

and why was i lying on his back? because that smelly refuses to pay me any attention as he stares at the stupid virus scan window (the itchy hand clicked on some virus-infecting link).. so i was trying to irritate the irk out of him just so he will attend to my needs for hugs and kisses.. but i obviously failed and proceeded to cam-whore, without moving a single inch from where i was.. i attach myself to the smelly as soon as he’s within a .5m radius from me.. (i exaggerate.) ^^

i particularly like this picture.. my eyes (okie, left eye - tts on the right) look stunningly nice.. and its after make-up removal too..

i mentioned that i liked his crumply-face look, right? there u have it.. ^^

yesterday was also the first time i got to see smelly after he had his hair cut.. and no, i dun like it one bit.. so i was telling suting that i told smelly, ‘u’re ugly as it is. this makes u even uglier.’ and she totally dun get how i can be so mean.. oh well, think my darling’s used to it already..

suting also mentioned that she thinks i have insanely high tastes. like it would be very difficult for me to consider someone good looking.. and she went on to say that i have good genes, after i showed her the pictures didi and i took the other day. i will post them, when i feel like it, if i get to have them scanned..

oh.. here’s my smelly and his new hair..

see.. i no like it.. looks so.. CLEAN.. yikes.. i miss his old hair.. (pls ignore my ghastly look.. i would have preferred to upload another picture if i had one that captured his hair as nicely..)

see.. so nice.. comparatively la.. and yes, i know my face has become rounder over the months.. urgh! smelly feeds me well.. rather, i’ve been trying to feed him so much, i moulded me rounder.. i’ve given up trying to make him put on weight..

i’m in an insanely good mood today, cuz the discussion for my ecommerce presentation on tuesday went on rather smoothly.. i’m in the midst of typing out my material at the moment. material that smelly obtained from the person who sold him her ecommerce text.. i’m actually quite excited by it, and i kinda have no idea why..

i’m also happy that my stats 2 group looks promising.. we’re gonna meet up on monday for discussion. hopefully we’ll be able to get the proposal out by then..

and even though i dun explicitly feel it, i do know for a fact that yesterday satisfied my weekly dosage of smellyism.. see, i do love my smelly.. even though i dun act like it.. ^^

smelleee and meee!!

i shall not spoil my good mood by going into details about work dodo club.. i was so tired the other day, i ended up making a blunder and having to pay like $20.. not mentioning the new korean, who’s made life miserable on her second day..

i’m missing smelly already..

oh, the fact that i call weiming smelly doesnt mean u, or anybody else is entitled to that same privilege.. i dun care if u call ur boyfriend, ur brother, or whoever else smelly too.. but calling weiming smelly is exclusive to me..

so yes, u are to refer to my smelly as weiming.. i will feign ignorance and make a mental note to dislike u if u so much as call weiming smelly in my presence. my boyfriend smells nice by the way, i just like calling him smelly..

besides, calling smelly smelly sounds way more unique and 亲切 than all those lovey dovey terms..

okie, i’m off to watch bleach and sleep do work.. ^^

- zi - off -

because i still have 24 photos to upload this month.. i always under-utilise the space given.. urgh!! i’ll make it a point to upload more pictures next month.. ^^

there.. the nicest picture of us in january.. we took a total of 11 pictures in january as compared to 32, 85 and 142 in the previous months..

a few possible explanations for this.. firstly, i’m fat, becoming fatter still, and so, i refuse to take pictures.. secondly, smelly never did like having his pictures taken, and he just became more and more resistant as time passed.. thirdly, we both lost interest.. (more like me though, cuz he was never interested in the first place..)

went clubbing a grand total of one time, which is really pathetic.. (urgh!! was supposed to go today.. but oh well..)

btw, that was taken inside zouk cuz uncle kim say nice..

uncle man, with my chip, or is it dale, clip, looking incredibly cute..

very retro-looking uncle kim, playing with my phone..

both of them have since left dodo club, i mean sol mart. which mean fun at the cursed place is almost non-existent.. which also mean, my days there is getting numbered.. i need a new job. i need tuition kids..

my nails, they’re blood red now.. and tts after i removed and repainted like a million times this month.. anyways, the pink is courtesy of lincoln, i mean xin yi..

who looks very much like her brother, and has a huge thing for balloons..

i started liking the messy hair look, but no matter how i try or pretend to look constipated, as per in this picture, i cant obtain that desired hairstyle..

i also developed an immense liking for oranges, that resulted in me finishing 8 of these tiny and super sweet ones in one sitting. i subsequently lost count of the number of times i went to the toilet that night. -_-||

u might also recall my little stint with tai yang bins from the last entry. i have 3 left now.

the other morning, i woke up early and had nothing to do while i sat around waiting to go to school.. i begun dabbling with my make-up kit, and i started drawing my eye liner and applying mascara (which have started to grow on me very much..) and so on my whore-riest day, i happened to bump into my dad downstairs and he offered to drive me to school, thereby asking me if i’m wearing wat i’m wearing to school, blar blar..

oh i also discovered, on the same morning, that i am a sucker when it comes to taking pictures in the lift. it helps very much that the lighting is excellent in lifts..

didi and i went for supper last night and he got so awestrucked by the tissue prata.. apparently, it doesnt taste as nice as it looks la.. i still prefer my plaster.. ooh.. yummilicious yoke.. ^^

went to visit ryan, who is still not feeling well.. the poor boy looked so sad when we left, i almost didnt want to leave. but he looks damn tired also, and there really wasnt much we could do staying.. i guess i’ll go over on sunday again, after, or before meeting uncle kim, who needs help with his school work.. ah fang ho gai siao..

my silly boy and his ugly smile.. i’m beginning to think he’s looking less and less like me.. he really shouldnt smile like that cuz he has the biggest, brightest, prettiest eyes ever..

see!!

didi and i went shopping for abit after that, and we spent $20 on photo stickers. (tts because my boyfriend refuses to take with me.. he’s completely anal when it comes to taking pictures.. humph!!) i’ll upload the nice nice pictures when i find a nice enough person to scan them for me.. ^^

i still have 10 more free slots for uploading.. but there seems to be nothing more for me to upload.. oh well, here u have it..

didi with his classmate (not his girlfriend) at his prom.. (he doesnt read my blog, so its okie..) ^^

i’ll be seeing smelly tomoro, and i’m so freaking excited.. kekes..

and oh, before i close this month, i ought to acknowledge that this month saw yet another one of the roller coaster relationship/friendship/enemy-ship of bizi and that particular ex boyfriend, who u all know if u read ah fang’s blog.. maybe i should apologise for having told ah fang all those things, which soured, completely soured our friendship, but seriously, he really dun expect me to keep quiet about it, when i’m already as confused as i possibly can.. i’d much rather do without him at all.. oh well, ah fang will remind me when its time to hound for payment.. and hopefully, i can get my ‘for one more day’ back..

- zi - off -